Dear YOU.

To the kind of sister-in-law who gave me a faith necklace and her testimony

To the best friend who listens to my whining and cries with me when I'm afraid

To the custodian who brought me beautiful hydrangeas and said he'd do anything to help me get better

To the students who check in on me before and after school

To the ladies who stitched and crocheted and knitted my hats

To the Relief Society President who brought me strawberries and dip

To the people from high school who have reached out to me

To the adopted sister who is going to teach me how to draw on my eyebrows

To the friends that brought us days of freezer meals the day after I was diagnosed

To the cousins who sent me crazy gifts to make me smile

To the old bishops who check up on me 

To the parents who let me crash at their house and eat all of their food

To the friends who text me scriptures and quotes

To the Elder's Quorum President who makes sure I don't need anything

To the sister who does literally everything for me

To the neighbors who bring my mom treats and make sure she's okay

To the adopted sister who shaved my head for me

To the aunt who made sure I was covered for my medical expenses

To the teachers who take my classes to give me a break

To the uncle who found me the best doctor in SLC

To the family that literally sent me a box full of angels

To the friends who understand when I fall asleep on their floor during game night

To everyone who has shown Christlike love to me as I struggle

THANK YOU.

BIG NEWS!

Sometimes I forget to post things on the good ol' blog, so #sorrynotsorry!

But I have BIG, GREAT, NEWS!

I had a PET Scan last week, which is where they inject you with radioactive sugar and then do a scan to see where the cancer is chillin inside of you. This scan was to see if the chemotherapy is working and if the cancer had responded, so I was pretty dang nervous.

I got the results of the scan and they were GREAT! The doctor said that all of my lymph nodes are responding really well! There's this international scale called the Deauville Criteria, and it's from 1-5, 1 being the best possible reaction and 5 being the worst, and I'm a 2! Woot Woot! Never thought I'd be so happy to be called a 2. ;)

A lot of my "tumors" are already gone, and some of me even looks like normal! The big tumor in my chest has shrunk enough that the doctor says I might not have to do radiation!! There are no guarantees and anything could happen, but it's a little light of hope!

It feels beyond amazing to know that the treatments are working and all this hasn't been for nothing. Friday was definitely a happy day!!

The Little Things

You want to know what I hate about cancer? CANCER!
It seems like ever since I was diagnosed, my whole life revolves around the fact that I have lymphoma.
Which, like, it kind of does, and all, but it is still super dumb.

It's really difficult to forget about how hard cancer is when every conversation and interaction is focused on my lymphoma. Like, really, really, difficult. It's like, I'll be doing totally fine, loving life, laughing at my middle schoolers, and then someone gets that tone in their voice and brings up cancer. And then it just comes rushing back. I have cancer.

I'm not saying we shouldn't talk about it or you should be afraid to ask me about it - that's not it at all. The concern and love and outreach of people is what keeps me from giving up and staying in the bathtub all day every day. I'm only half joking about the bathtub thing. But sometimes, I just want to be Tina, not Tina with cancer. I just want to be an overwhelmed teacher, not an overwhelmed teacher with cancer.

I made a list of things I like about myself that have nothing to do with cancer, and it made me so happy. It helped me remember what my core is and who I will still be after I kick this lymphoma to the curb.

1. BLT's will always be my favorite meal. Only without the lettuce because lettuce only takes away from the bacon, amiright?!?

2. I break and lose sunglasses like it's my job. It's a problem.

3. I bend my feet in a weird way when I'm sitting and so the middle of my shoes always wears out/gets holes in it and Michelle makes me buy new shoes.

4. Burning my feet on the sidewalk as I walk barefoot is one of the best feelings in the world.

5. I have very small, cute teeth. Like a baby dolphin.

6. I only really like talking on the phone if I'm outside.

7. Every time I am on an airplane I will order ginger ale because it tastes better in the sky.

8. I love everything sparkly or gold or shiny.

9. My bed is my favorite place in the house. Closely followed by the living room floor.

10. I love puzzles because everything fits in its perfect little place to make something beautiful.

11. I'm terrible at soccer. Like, run up to the ball super confident and then miss the kick and land on my butt kind of terrible. But it's fun. For the spectators.

12. I don't really like animated movies. Except The Land Before Time is the best series ever made. Up until number 6. (What is this junk about Little Foot finding his father in the later movies?!? His father can't just waltz up in here and pretend he didn't miss my Little Foot's whole childhood!)

13. One day I'm going to look out from the Eiffel Tower at Paris and laugh.

14. Sometimes potty jokes make me laugh. Okay, most of the time.

15. Staying in hotels is a legitimate thrill. I love it sooooooooo much.

That's all. Just a little reminder that Tina without cancer is still in here, alive and well. :)

Pinterest Me.

Yes for borrowing words!

Yes for other sad, tired people who write down their thoughts and somehow their words match mine!

     

  

 

  

 

Chemo #5

I had chemo treatment #5 on Friday, April 15. They've had some issues the last two times with getting blood draw from my port - I guess my blood is clotting in the line or something, so that's not super fun.

I wore my blue wig to chemo and everybody loved it! Score!

Chemo is hard because I kind of know what to expect after I get my treatment but at the same time I don't know at all. It's different every time. It's kind of like... if you were walking along a path and you knew that every twelve steps the ground would drop out from under you and you would fall, but then you would get up and keep walking until the next time the ground dropped away. It's like constant falling and even when I feel good it is hard to not count the days until the next time I will feel awful.

After chemo on Friday, I just felt really heavy and kind of blah. Like, really, they pump a billion (7) different chemicals into you and then just send you on your way like you didn't just gain three pounds of poison. It's so bizarre! 

This chemo was worse than the others so far with nausea - it was really bad! I was so crazy tired and just out of it all weekend, and then I missed school Monday and pretty much slept the entire day. With a few breaks to work on my puzzle, of course. 

I'm back at work today, which is great! I just get so tired by the end of the day. I've been super crazy cold all day, but I don't have a fever. Anyway, I know this is super boring for anyone reading it, which is why it's just a short update post. I just want to remember how chemo #5 felt so that when chemo #12 comes around I can remember how much stupid stuff I made it through. NINJA KICK TO LYMPHOMA!

Wiggity Wig

I finally bought a wig!

This was a pretty big deal for me. I had planned on buying a brightly colored wig right away and having it as soon as we shaved my head, but I just couldn't do it. I knew I didn't want a realistic wig, and a bright one sounded fun, but... something was keeping me from actually going through with it.

I would scroll through Etsy and other sites looking at wigs and I picked out some that I really liked. I would visit the webpages almost every day and just look at the wigs. Sometimes I even started the checkout process...but then every. single. time. I would get physically sick to my stomach. I still don't know why - maybe it was just staring at the fact that I have no hair. I don't know. But it was hard.

What finally made me take the plunge was something bizarre and small. I was scrolling through Facebook and I ended up looking at my old pictures. In each picture it was like I could only see my hair. Blonde hair, brown hair, almost black hair, accidentally kind of red hair, multicolored hair, hair with bangs, hair with no bangs, long hair, short hair, layered hair, straight hair, curly hair.... I think this is the part where I admit I have a problem with changing my hair. One of my roommates called it my "three month addiction" where every three months I just had to change something about my hair. She's not wrong. Once, I created straight across bangs with kiddy scissors while my roommates were at the store cause I needed a change. Yikes. Good thing I'm so darn good looking that I can pull it off.

Anyway, I was looking at all of my different hairstyles and I was just overcome with a sense of loss and I legitimately mourned my hair. I get that hair isn't the most important thing in the whole world, so stop judging me for being vain, but I just had this heart wrenching moment where it felt like I had lost a best friend. You can laugh at that - but unless you are someone who spends hours styling and playing with and just touching your hair and then you lose it all, you don't understand. It's like I don't even know what to do with my hands sometimes because usually during a movie I would be twisting and combing through my hair, and now I have nothing to hold. I don't know what to orient my makeup around. I had to put away my hair products and brushes and accessories. Whole Pinterest boards of hairstyles mean nothing. I get a sinking feeling when I see hairstyle ideas online. It's freaking hard, dang it, and I promise to never make fun of shiny bald men again. Or like for at least a week.

That longing for something to hold, something to run my fingers through, is what made me buy my first wig. I chose bright blue and medium length - long enough to touch but short enough to be low maintenance! It came last Thursday and I wore it to work Friday. Everyone loved it! But more important than their reactions, I LOVE IT! It felt unbelievably wonderful to reach up and have something there, and to feel beautiful and crazy, and to use a bobby pin to pull hair back from my face. I LOVED readjusting the pins in my hair during lunch and checking my wig in the mirror as I left the restroom and catching a glimpse of my reflection in the window... I almost felt like my old self and that was more than worth the price of the wig. I don't know if I'll buy more wigs, or what they'll look like, but this one is a win! Plus I'm already thinking of Halloween ideas - mermaid, sadness, fun dip powder, a classy smurf... the possibilities are endless.

And now, for your viewing pleasure, my blue wig.

Chemo, Conference, and Candy, oh my!

Sometimes I think to myself, "Self, this would be a great thing to blog about!" and then my self says, "Yep, for sure! ...Or, we could take a bath and eat Easter candy?" And then chemo brain kicks in and says, "Wait...what was that great blog idea again?" ...And that's how we end up with boring posts like this one that are just updates.

Chemo #4: YAY! I'm officially 1/3 of the way done with my chemo! I'm stoked about that, but also the idea that I still have 8 treatments to go is super overwhelming, so I'm taking it one day at a time. This chemo was fine - I had a clot in my port, so they had to give me blood thinning medicine before I could get my treatment, but after that I slept through the rest of the injections. I took anti-anxiety pills Friday night so I could sleep.

Conference: General Conference was rocking! My favorite talk/the one that stood out to me the most was the talk about refugees and how if we knew them personally, we would think about the whole situation differently. I jut felt like that talk really hit the core principles of what I believe. Also I got to go to Black Bear Diner, which is like the Disneyland of breakfast foods. And to make it even more wonderful, Ryan came over for a session of conference and we all finished a puzzle like champs! If you don't have a Ryan in your life, get one. Also a Jen and a Farrari and a Michelle. But don't steal mine - get your own!

Candy: Want to know something weird? One of the most unbearable parts of chemo so far for me is the chemo taste in my mouth. It's awful. So I've found some candies that help take it away. But surprise! Then my tastes have changed, and so candies that tasted great don't taste like anything at all. I end up changing what I munch on pretty frequently. Right now I'm on Starburst Jelly Beans, but who knows what it will be next week?! Always an adventure.

**Monday Update**
I have to be at school this whole week because we are doing end-of-level testing and I need to be ehre to proctor the tests. Usually I take a day off after chemo to recover and sleep, but that's not really an option this week. I'm hoping that I can power through it and it will be fine - but any extra strength prayers would be great. So far today I'm doing okay ... I just keep wandering around the room because if I sit down for too long I know I will fall asleep. And that would be......bad. Bad. yep.