A Conversation with God.

Okay, so sometimes everyone in the whole world tells you, "You're handling this so well," and you have to fight the urge to kick them in the shins and when they don't give up and die, say, "You're handling this so well!" Sometimes, you make a joke and everyone looks at you like you're going to break into a million pieces, and you want to scream at them, "I'M STILL ME!" Sometimes, you do research on the internet and stalk people's blogs that have been through 6 months of ABVD chemo, and your eyes get wide as you realize just how not ideal this is going to be. Sometimes, you spend your day looking at wigs and hats and scarves and you can't bring yourself to buy any of them because you just want your real hair to stay forever.

...That's when you realize that there's a tiny chance you're not actually handling it that well. What do you do when you can't deal with this psycho ferris wheel of emotions on your own?  Turn to the big man upstairs, of course. (Spoiler alert: That's God.)

I was supposed to go to a super fun game night tonight with the greatest group of people, but instead I stayed home to have some serious spiritual chat time. I've had a lot of people ask me to pray for them in the past because "they could tell God and I were tight" or something to that effect. I think it's because I talk to Him almost like I do anyone else. Meaning: I don't sugarcoat things.

This is how the conversation started:
ME: Okay, God. You gave me cancer. Worst gift ever. You can make up for it on my birthday. Now what the heck am I supposed to do about it?

I cried for a while as I prayed and bemoaned everything I'm losing or might lose because of this cancer. It's kind of a long list, folks. Hair, energy, my ability to do my job, money, independence, a year of my life, my chance of having children, clear thoughts...it just keeps going. I know, I know, focus on the positive. That's what I do 96% of the time. But when you're chatting with the Big Guy, you gotta keep it real. He can't help you with your problems if you don't open up about them.

Now, because I know my primary answers, I opened my scriptures. In church yesterday, a guy said that the scriptures don't work like a magic 8 ball. Agree to disagree. I'm a firm believer in the scriptures showing us what we need to know when we need to know it. *Note: Also read the scriptures every day. Also you don't have to shake them like you do a magic 8 ball. That is not, in fact, how they work.*

I flipped through them and found a few things that soothed my soul a little.

"Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation." -D&C 58:3

Interpretation by Tina: My stupid, human eyes don't understand why this cancer is a thing. Instead of trying to figure out why this is happening, I need to focus on what God's purpose is through this, and how it will help me become a better person.

"And on the morrow they fought again" -Ether 15 / ALL the war chapters in The Book of Mormon

Interpretation by Tina: I've always loved these sections because the people in these chapters are fighting difficult battles every. single. day. They don't get a break. They don't get to call a timeout because they need to figure out a strategy for the next day. They don't have sick days or weekends to recover. They just keep going. They wake up every morning and go to work, fighting for what they believe (however correct or incorrect those beliefs). Every day is going to be a literal fight against what's going on inside of me, and there won't be any breaks or timeouts or foul calls because cancer pulled a cheap shot. It's just going to be hard. But I will get up every morning and fight.

"Behold, I am from above, and my power lieth beneath. I am over all, and in all, and through all, and search all things, and the day cometh that all things shall be subject unto me." -D&C 63:59

Interpretation by Tina: The Lord's power is literally everywhere. He knows every single thing and is interwoven with all the events of my life. Did you catch the end? All things shall be subject unto me. ALL THINGS. That includes stupid cancer. You hear that, nodular sclerosis classical Hodgkin's lymphoma? You ain't got nothing compared to who's on my side.


I had a lot of moments tonight that reminded me of God's love and his neverending patience with me as I try to figure out what's going on around me/within me. I've put a few of them up here, but many of them are things I want to keep close to my heart as I face the hard days ahead. I finally feel like I'm in a really good place. I know this is going to be insanely hard. I get that. I'm not wearing my rose colored glasses and pretending everything's fine, because it isn't! There's nothing fine about having stage 3 or stage 4 cancer or losing your hair on your birthday. But guess what. I'm okay! Life is beautiful and good and no matter how many hard things are thrown my way, I'm going to come out of it just fine. Know why? Because I'm not counting on my own strength. I'm counting on the strength of the most powerful being in the whole universe. He's my Father, He's my hope, and He's my God. My faith is STRONGER than cancer. Sure, cancer can take away a lot of the things I've worked for in my life. Joke's on you, lymphoma, because you can't take away my faith, my hope, my strength, or my smile, because those things don't come from me. They come from Him.

"And God did hear our cries and did answer our prayers; and we did go forth in his might." -Mosiah 9:18