How to Parent an Adult with Cancer: 401

Cancer is hard! It's hard for me and it's hard for my family. Luckily, I'm surrounded by champs! I do wish there had been some kind of warning label for them before this all started so they knew what they were getting into. So, in true teacher fashion, I created a mock syllabus on what to expect as a parent of a cancer sicky. Enjoy. Or don't. Your choice. ;)

Welcome to the advanced course of How to Parent an Adult with Cancer: 401. If you have not already taken the prerequisite courses (How to Parent a Bald, Chubby Baby: 101, How to Parent a Rambunctious Child: 201, and How to Parent a Stubborn Teenage Girl: 301), this class will be beyond your skill level. Expect this course to include late nights, tears, and plenty of driving time. The course may not be fun, but if we all follow the syllabus, we'll make it through.

Required Materials for this course include:

1. Textbook: The Book of Mormon, The New Testament, The Pearl of Great Price, and The Doctrine and Covenants will be used extensively. The Old Testament will be referred to occasionally, but as it is rather dense, it will not be required reading. You will also be required to conduct multiple internet searches on topics like lymphoma, chemotherapy, and remedies for side effects.

2. Class Fees: The cost of this class varies from month to month, so be prepared to dedicate substantial financial means to your success. Anticipated expenses include: gas money, chemo foods, carpet cleaning supplies, and cheese sticks. Lots of cheese sticks.

Class Assignments:

You will be assigned multiple roles. As this course is happening in real time, assignments are subject to change and the instructor reserves the right to alter or add to the assignment list at any time.

1. Written Reports: Once a week, you will be contacted and asked for information that, more than likely, you don't have. Use your required reading and the internet to compile your answers. Sample questions might include topics such as: sleeping aids, how electricity works, insurance issues, chemo side effects, how to remove the smell of vomit from a car, etc. After compiling your answers, proofread them for correctness. These reports will be delivered via text message.

2. Interpersonal Communication: You will be expected to update and correspond with countless people who are interested in your child's well being. Don't be surprised when you are stopped at the grocery store, church, the gym, work, or your own living room by someone asking, "How is insert child's name here doing??" You need to be prepared with an answer for each person that is polite, honest, positive, and appropriately serious. Throughout the course, you will learn how to alter your answer to fit the following three kinds of people: (1) the curious bystander who will repeat everything you say in their weekly gossip meeting, (2) the caring neighbor who is actually willing to help and listen, and (3) the person who doesn't realize your child has cancer and is about to be emotionally traumatized.

3. Cleaning Assignments: A required part of this course is easing your child's burden, and much of that comes through cleaning. When you visit your child's home, you can expect to clean up messes the likes of which you haven't seen since course 101 - the toddler section. You will also be taking loads of laundry home to wash, dry, fold, and then bring back so that your child doesn't look like a hobo in dirty clothes.

4. Emergency Phone Calls: Due to the nature of this course, you can expect to experience emergency phone calls at every hour of the day. How you respond to these situations will have a great impact on your grade in this course. For example, when your child calls you from outside of chemo sobbing because she has just thrown up all over her beautiful car and is too sick to walk, the ideal response is to hop in your shiny new truck with a carpet cleaner, pick up an aunt along the way, and drive straight to chemo. Take the sick child home and then spend your day cleaning the vomit out of her car as she sleeps. Hey, no one said this class was going to be easy. If you want easy, switch classes now and take "How to Parent a Self-Sufficient Adult who Can Handle Their Own Problems: 101." 

*This syllabus is subject to change due to chemo scheduling, unexpected side effects, mood swings, emotional traumas, or laziness.*

FYI: I give my parents an A+. And I never give A+'s. Just ask my students.