A World of Pure Imagination

Sometimes people say things to me like "Wow, only two more rounds of chemo! Piece of cake!" And a little part of me wants to smack them in the face, but a bigger part of me is glad that they don't understand how awful chemo is. Two treatments is still a huge obstacle. As of yesterday, only one more. Something to celebrate, but also still scary and hard.

A lot of people have been asking me what chemo is actually like and what actually happens on chemo days. It's like this big mystery. Somebody gets cancer, and we all know they are getting chemo, but we don't actually have any idea what the chemo is or what it does to them. Soooooo I decided to give you a glimpse into the world of my imagination as we take a journey through a typical chemo day -- told through my thoughts.

Tina's thoughts on a typical chemo day:

Ughhhhhhhhhhhh it's chemo day.
If I just go back to sleep, we can pretend it isn't chemo day, right?
Right.
Ughhhhhhhhhh a text message. Probably someone checking to see if I'm awake.
Yep. If I don't message back, we can pretend it isn't chemo day, right?
Nope.
Ughhhhhhhhh fine I'll get up but I won't be happy about it.
I need to eat something or I'm going to throw up.
I'll eat a healthy breakfast.
All I want for breakfast is butterscotch pudding.
...I have cancer. Butterscotch pudding for breakfast it is!
Why does pudding take so long to make?! Doesn't it know I'm freaking starving?!?
Oh look, the 5 minutes is up. Pudding's done!
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
That was a solid decision. Nailed it!
Ughhhhhhhhhh I have to get dressed.
...It's chemo day...sweatpants it is!
Man I love sweatpants.
I gotta find me a man who loves sweatpants.
And also he has to love bald chicks. That might be harder.
Psh, totes whatevs, I'm rocking this bald head look.
Oh hey there, sexy lady in the mirror, fancy meeting you here!
Nope, didn't work, still kinda ugly.
I'm so going to throw up.
Welp. I'm dressed.
I can't do this. I don't want to do this. I hate this.
Look, a text.
Well here come the tears, that text was exactly what I needed.
Friends always know. Man I have the best friends.
Maybe I can do this.
OH CRAP I forgot to put my numbing cream on!   [[Side note: Before each treatment I put numbing cream on my surgically implanted port so that when they jam a giant needle in my chest it doesn't make me see stars. But it only works if you remember to put it on...]]
Dang it, Tina, get it together!
Well better late than never, I guess.
We don't have any seran wrap, so I'll just cover my port in this press-and-seal wrap. That's probably fine, right?
I can't do this. I so can't do this. I can't do this.
Ugh I need an ativan or I'm going to throw up. Or faint.
Dang it, Tina, where did you put the medicine??
Oh, right. On the bookshelf. Because that makes perfect sense.
I wonder if Michelle is ready to drive me to chemo.
Oh look, she's dressed and ready. Dang it. That means we have to leave.
Let's stop at Walmart for some chocolate. I deserve chocolate.
Mmmmmmmmmm chocolate.
I should probably go for a jog.
I'll go for a jog tomorrow.
Today I'm eating chocolate. Get over it, you super fit people.
We're totally going to be late to chemo.
We could just keep driving and pretend chemo doesn't exist.
for reals.
Let's just go to the airport and catch a plane.
Fiiiiiiiine I'll go to chemo and live or whatever.
I still might throw up.
Oh look, we're here. Great.
Smile at the other people in the waiting room like we're not all waiting to get poisoned.
It's the polite thing to do.
Time for the weigh in and vitals.
Stupid blood pressure cuff is going to rip off my arm.
Oh good, my heart's still beating. Woot woot!
I hate when they put the needle in my port.
"Little poke!" Yeah, how about I give YOU a little poke, nurse? Hmm?
Just kidding I would never do that. Probably.
Oh good, they just took like half of my blood.
Can ya make sure you took the blood with all the cancer??
Hahaha I'm so funny.
And now we wait.
Oh hey, doctor, let's talk about how miserable last treatment made me.
Yes, I was nauseous.
Yes, I was freaking exhausted.
Yes, my feet hurt and I couldn't feel my fingers.
Yes, my appetite was cray-cray-crazy.
Yes, my skin has random dark spots.
Yes, my nails are dying.
Yes, I have bags under my eyes.
Yes, my muscles are embarrassingly weak.
Yes, my balance is off.
Yes, my brain doesn't work and I forget words all the time.
Oh, that's all normal and expected?
GREAT.
Welp, my blood levels look awful...just the usual...let's pump me full of poision again!
Breathe, Tina, this is just the first two bags, the steroid and the anti-nausea.
These bags are your friends!
Maybe I'll just go to sleep.
Crap, the first two bags are empty.
Time for the real fun.
I might throw up.
Here comes the Bleomycin.
This one's not so bad at first - just causes all the side effects.
Stupid bleomycin. Why'd I ever name my stuffed leopard after you anyway?
Crap, The bleomycin's done.
Time for the red death...Adriamycin.
Oh shit, here comes the chemo taste.
Swallow, Tina, swallow.
Don't throw up, don't throw up, don't throw up.
Where's my bubble gum?! I need my bubble gum.
Okay, I almost can't taste it through this bubble gum.
Maybe I can do this.
Let's go on Facebook and look at pictures of cute boys.
Distraction....might work.
Nope, not working.
Here comes #3...Vinblastine.
More chemo taste.
Chew the bubble gum, Tina.
Close your eyes and block it out.
Ugh, not working.
Oh good, we're on #4...Dacarbazine.
This one lasts an hour, but doesn't taste as bad.
Now I can try to sleep for an hour.
Ugh, the guy next to me is snoring.
There goes the sleep option.
Maybe I'll text that cute boy.
Oh yeah, great idea, Tina, and say what? "Oh hey, just hooked up to chemo and thinking about you?!"
That's a great opener. Not.
No, nurse, I do not want a cupcake.
Unless you want me to throw up that cupcake all over you.
Which you probably don't.
Sorry for thinking that, nurse.
I'll try not to throw up on you. Or on me.
Oh good, I'm done.
Now let's see if I can walk straight.
Ughhhhhhhhh I feel so heavy and gross.
Probably the 3 pounds of poison I have running through my veins.
Okay, Tina, focus on walking. And not falling over.
Just make it to the car.
Made it.
Breathe, Tina.
Chew the bubble gum.
You made it.
Only one more to go.
Get ready to be sick and hate life for the next 4 days.


So that's it. That's a typical chemo day. Not the best, not the worst. Almost the worst.
I have one more treatment planned. Prayers are always appreciated!

Oh, and here is a hauntingly beautiful picture of me taken by the AMAZINGLY TALENTED Kynsie Rife. She captured the pain and hurt and loss that cancer has brought into my life, and I'm in love with the pictures she took. Enjoy. :)