The 16th of the month is officially the BEST day of every month. For example, today the 16th marks TWO MONTHS since the day I found out I was officially cancer free. This is a big deal, folks! It's been an emotional day and I've had an insane amount of thoughts sprinting through my head all day, so here's hoping this post makes sense at all - and if it doesn't, you still have to love me. Agreed? Agreed.
The past two months have been intensely difficult for me as I've stepped into this new chapter of my life. Health-wise, I'm still feeling the effects of six months of chemo, but it's a world of difference! I feel so wonderful and I have so much energy most of the time. Plus I can actually sleep like a normal person, and I can almost feel my fingers and toes! *Spoiler alert #1: all ten fingers and all ten toes are still there.* Plus my hair is coming back! My little blonde hair makes me so happy, and a student I've never even met told me, "Ms. Moore! You look like a girl when you have hair!" ...Thank you, tiny human...
I've been trying so hard to get back to normal, but the problem is I don't know what normal is anymore. My whole world has shifted. My priorities, my desires, my goals, and even parts of my personality have flipped a 180. I'm not crazy (like, no crazier than normal), it's something that's kind of expected after having 8 months of life-and-death decisions put in front of you. *Spoiler alert #2: Facing death every day changes how you look at life.* I've done a lot of research and the best advice people have for moving on after cancer is to accept that you aren't, and never will be, the person you were before cancer. You have to rediscover who you are and get to know yourself again. This is real. And honestly, some days I desperately miss the Kristina I was before cancer. I was so confident. Isn't that bizarre?! I'm getting to know myself. Again. It's kind of fun! *Spoiler alert #3: I really, really like who I am.* I'm not saying that to be super conceited. I just love the person I've become and I love the way I look at life now. For example, I was trying to use my old workout plans and patterns to get back to where I was when I was jogging every day before chemo. I realized that I'm not that same person anymore (I'm missing like a hundred tumors), so obviously what I used to do won't work. I changed my routine to fit my life now, and yesterday I ran a mile faster than I did before my chemo started. Booyah! That's such a silly example, but I could talk about this for hours, and you probably have a life to get back to, so I'll stop. But if you want to know about finding yourself, puhlease come ask me. Seriously, it's so refreshing when people ask me about my experience, and if what I went through can help you in some way, it's so beyond worth it.
Anyway, to the point of this whole post. (Does it surprise anyone that Tina is talking a lot? No? Hmm...) I didn't ask for this experience. I didn't ask for cancer. I didn't ask for six months of chemo and tests. I didn't ask for physical scars and even uglier mental scars.
As I was going through treatments, and even still when I talk about my experience, I often hear things like, "You're such an inspiration to me." What the! Talk about pressure! Not really. It's a nice thing to hear. But here's the thing: I didn't ask to be an inspiration. I didn't start my cancer journey with the goal to inspire people. I started my cancer journey with the goal to survive. I sincerely hope that my experience has helped someone somewhere who is struggling, but that wasn't my endgame. As I look back, people ask me how I did it. How did I go to work every day and teach my 150 students with no prep period? How did I run a 5k after 11 treatments? How did I get out of bed? How did I smile when my hands and feet felt like they were on fire? How did I... the list goes on and on. And to be honest, I never know how to answer.
Looking back, I've realized that I didn't do those things at all. God did those things. I didn't go to work every day - God carried me to work every day and led me through each day. I didn't just smile on my own - God filled my mind with happy memories I didn't even know I had. I would be in bed at 3 in the morning crying because I couldn't sleep and everything hurt, and suddenly I would have a memory of picking carrots at my grandpa's house or jumping on a trampoline at the neighbor's house or playing night games in the park. And I would realize - life is good. Life is worth fighting for. I didn't beat cancer. God beat cancer. I know there are people reading this blog who believe different things than I do, but I want you to know that I am only strong because God lifted me up when I was weak. I am only happy because God reminded me how to smile when I was devastated. I am only alive because God strengthened me when I was dying. I am who I am because of who God is. I'm not belittling myself or trying to downplay the hard things I've done - I am hecka proud of where I've been and what I've survived. But in my heart - in my soul - I know that I wouldn't be half the person I am if I didn't let God into my life.
If you're going to be inspired by someone, be inspired by God. Be inspired by this all-knowing, all powerful Father that cared enough about me - little, imperfect Kristina - to carry me when I forgot how to move forward. Be inspired by God because if He cares that much about me, I guarantee He cares that much about you. What can possibly be more inspiring than the knowledge that we don't have to do this alone? God is listening to you. He is waiting and ready to help you. I believe in my Father in Heaven because I have felt His hand in my life as I make the decision to let Him change me - and I love the person He has helped me become. Let Him in. Let Him change you. Be inspired by the God who created you.
That's it. The end. Super impressed that you made it all the way to the end. Here's hoping I didn't waste your time! :)
