The 16th of the month is officially the BEST day of every month. For example, today the 16th marks TWO MONTHS since the day I found out I was officially cancer free. This is a big deal, folks! It's been an emotional day and I've had an insane amount of thoughts sprinting through my head all day, so here's hoping this post makes sense at all - and if it doesn't, you still have to love me. Agreed? Agreed.
The past two months have been intensely difficult for me as I've stepped into this new chapter of my life. Health-wise, I'm still feeling the effects of six months of chemo, but it's a world of difference! I feel so wonderful and I have so much energy most of the time. Plus I can actually sleep like a normal person, and I can almost feel my fingers and toes! *Spoiler alert #1: all ten fingers and all ten toes are still there.* Plus my hair is coming back! My little blonde hair makes me so happy, and a student I've never even met told me, "Ms. Moore! You look like a girl when you have hair!" ...Thank you, tiny human...
I've been trying so hard to get back to normal, but the problem is I don't know what normal is anymore. My whole world has shifted. My priorities, my desires, my goals, and even parts of my personality have flipped a 180. I'm not crazy (like, no crazier than normal), it's something that's kind of expected after having 8 months of life-and-death decisions put in front of you. *Spoiler alert #2: Facing death every day changes how you look at life.* I've done a lot of research and the best advice people have for moving on after cancer is to accept that you aren't, and never will be, the person you were before cancer. You have to rediscover who you are and get to know yourself again. This is real. And honestly, some days I desperately miss the Kristina I was before cancer. I was so confident. Isn't that bizarre?! I'm getting to know myself. Again. It's kind of fun! *Spoiler alert #3: I really, really like who I am.* I'm not saying that to be super conceited. I just love the person I've become and I love the way I look at life now. For example, I was trying to use my old workout plans and patterns to get back to where I was when I was jogging every day before chemo. I realized that I'm not that same person anymore (I'm missing like a hundred tumors), so obviously what I used to do won't work. I changed my routine to fit my life now, and yesterday I ran a mile faster than I did before my chemo started. Booyah! That's such a silly example, but I could talk about this for hours, and you probably have a life to get back to, so I'll stop. But if you want to know about finding yourself, puhlease come ask me. Seriously, it's so refreshing when people ask me about my experience, and if what I went through can help you in some way, it's so beyond worth it.
Anyway, to the point of this whole post. (Does it surprise anyone that Tina is talking a lot? No? Hmm...) I didn't ask for this experience. I didn't ask for cancer. I didn't ask for six months of chemo and tests. I didn't ask for physical scars and even uglier mental scars.
As I was going through treatments, and even still when I talk about my experience, I often hear things like, "You're such an inspiration to me." What the! Talk about pressure! Not really. It's a nice thing to hear. But here's the thing: I didn't ask to be an inspiration. I didn't start my cancer journey with the goal to inspire people. I started my cancer journey with the goal to survive. I sincerely hope that my experience has helped someone somewhere who is struggling, but that wasn't my endgame. As I look back, people ask me how I did it. How did I go to work every day and teach my 150 students with no prep period? How did I run a 5k after 11 treatments? How did I get out of bed? How did I smile when my hands and feet felt like they were on fire? How did I... the list goes on and on. And to be honest, I never know how to answer.
Looking back, I've realized that I didn't do those things at all. God did those things. I didn't go to work every day - God carried me to work every day and led me through each day. I didn't just smile on my own - God filled my mind with happy memories I didn't even know I had. I would be in bed at 3 in the morning crying because I couldn't sleep and everything hurt, and suddenly I would have a memory of picking carrots at my grandpa's house or jumping on a trampoline at the neighbor's house or playing night games in the park. And I would realize - life is good. Life is worth fighting for. I didn't beat cancer. God beat cancer. I know there are people reading this blog who believe different things than I do, but I want you to know that I am only strong because God lifted me up when I was weak. I am only happy because God reminded me how to smile when I was devastated. I am only alive because God strengthened me when I was dying. I am who I am because of who God is. I'm not belittling myself or trying to downplay the hard things I've done - I am hecka proud of where I've been and what I've survived. But in my heart - in my soul - I know that I wouldn't be half the person I am if I didn't let God into my life.
If you're going to be inspired by someone, be inspired by God. Be inspired by this all-knowing, all powerful Father that cared enough about me - little, imperfect Kristina - to carry me when I forgot how to move forward. Be inspired by God because if He cares that much about me, I guarantee He cares that much about you. What can possibly be more inspiring than the knowledge that we don't have to do this alone? God is listening to you. He is waiting and ready to help you. I believe in my Father in Heaven because I have felt His hand in my life as I make the decision to let Him change me - and I love the person He has helped me become. Let Him in. Let Him change you. Be inspired by the God who created you.
That's it. The end. Super impressed that you made it all the way to the end. Here's hoping I didn't waste your time! :)
Beautifully said!! Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful story with us and I am so grateful for your courageous christ-like example of what it truly means to be positive.
ReplyDeleteWow! Just wow! I wish you were here right now so I could hug you and say you are an inspiration! Having experienced a small amount of these feelings myself I totally get it but there is no way I could have said it in such a beautiful way. It's funny but so many of us only know this side of you and you are a beautiful person inside and out. I'm terrible at expressing myself but so thankful for you and the reminders you share; we have a Father in Heaven, He knows us personally, knows what we need and is there for us on an individual basis. The inspiration comes through you, own it, because you deserve it. There is no pressure, people are inspired inspite of human flaws because you are a daughter of God and your light shines strong! I'm thankful for your placement in my life. Good job to the only "Tina" I know. I'm sure the"old" Tina was great but this one is fantastic!
ReplyDeleteI tried to share this last night, but it got lost somewhere, so I'll share it now: Kristina, I’m SO happy to read your blog, and I am so amazed you were able to teach through this ordeal. I’ve learned I cannot say “I know just how you feel.” But, I can share with you some of my own feelings. October 16th is a special day for me too. On this day 38 years ago, was my firstborn son’s birthday. Nine and a half months after we were married we had a stillborn 9 lb. 11 oz. baby boy. It was hard. Never had I even thought that once I had passed my due date, he wouldn’t make it. I had a wonderful husband, who because of experiences in his own life, was prepared to help me through such an unthinkable tragedy. After we got through that experience, we learned we could face almost anything together. The Lord blessed me to be numb, until I could stand the pain. A sweet Relief Society sister came to visit me in the hospital, and shared the experiences from her own life that were exactly what I needed to hear. I still love Linda Williams because of that. I had parents who had raised me with an understanding that life goes on beyond the veil. In hind sight, I can see so many blessings that came from this experience: I gained empathy for others who have lost a loved one. I was able to stay sane through 5 more pregnancies. I never took my children for granted. I believed in their mortality, they always received their inoculations, and wore their seatbelts. Because of learning about their older brother already in heaven, they asked many questions and grew up with an understanding of eternal life to come. I had to learn not to talk to anyone with an overdue pregnancy, because I didn’t want to share my fears. I can truly say it was one of the best learning experiences of my life. I hope through the years, every time you look back at this past year, you will be able to recognize another blessing from the Lord, as I have. I love you Tina, Lanell
ReplyDeleteI forgot to say, I've realized that when painful experiences make you bitter, it just makes you bitter and stops your progress, but when you can hold the Lord's hand, and let your faith grow in hard times, it can make you better and stronger.
Delete