I Cry, Too.

"OMG You're so positive!" 

"You're handling cancer like a champ!"

"You don't even seem like you have cancer!"

"Just always smiling, aren't you?!?"

I think a lot of people are under the impression that cancer has been easy for me and that I'm rocking it. Pshhh and I am 100% rocking it. But that doesn't mean that I'm happy all the time or that cancer is easy for me. It's not easy to smile all the time and keep a positive outlook, it's just who I am so it's what I do. But just for a few minutes, here's a glimpse into the hard, ugly side of my lymphoma so far.

When I was diagnosed, I didn't cry. When I went in for surgery for my biopsy, and then bone marrow biopsy, and then my port, I didn't cry. I didn't know why I wasn't crying all the time even when I wanted to - and then I understood. I needed David. Growing up, when dad was in the hospital and mom was gone visiting him and Joseph and Michelle were away at college, David and I spent a lot of time together. Every big or traumatic event, David's been there for me to cry with and be scared with and then smile with. But he's gone, and South Africa seems a world away. It wasn't just that I missed him. I needed him. When I got to Skype with him the day after he found out I have cancer, I took the tablet into my room so I could talk to him alone. We had a hard time even talking for a little bit because we both just cried...and cried...and cried a little more....and it was the greatest blessing I've experienced so far. I desperately needed those few minutes of letting the weight of what was going on crush me as David and I cried under the fear of what was going on. I didn't just need to cry. I needed to cry with David, and once I got that, I was okay.

For the most part, I'm okay. I just have little moments. Sometimes I just cry on the way to work or the way home from work or the way to the store or at the store or on the way home from the store... It's a problem.

I cry because this is a new reality that I didn't ask for and I didn't want.

I cry because sometimes getting out of bed is really, really, really hard. Like harder than normal. And I love my bed a whole heap, man.

I cry when I reach up to fix my hair in the parking lot and realize it isn't there.

I cry when people at the store stare at me and change their tone of voice when they say things like "aw, how are you doing today, sweetheart?" ...I have cancer. I'm not your sweetheart. Just let me pay for my pickles and bread, mmmmkay?

I cry in frustration when I had a kick-butt lesson planned and have to miss school - and my students end up watching a movie.

I cry in fear when I read articles or blogs about people who are going through lymphoma for their third or fourth or fifth time because I can't even deal with having it once.

I cry when I see hair tutorials on Pinterest and can't try them on myself.

I cry because sometimes I get really, really lonely and feel like no one understands. And then I turn my phone back on and have texts from amazing friends just letting me know they're there. And then I cry because I don't know what I did to deserve these incredible people.

I cry when I think about the fact that I still have 9 treatments left and that they're going to get worse.

I cry in anger when I can't do everything I want to do because I'm sick.

I cry because I miss not worrying about cancer and just worrying about things like finding a spider in the bathroom or running out of clean clothes.

I cry in the mornings when I see the sunshine and realize I can't go play in it. Chemo makes me super sensitive to sunlight and if I get a sunburn, I will pretty much stay sunburned until the end of treatment. Because that's a super fun perk of cancer.

I cry because I miss David and I have to go through the hardest part of my life without my best friend.

I cry when I get cancer emails from my doctor because it reminds me that I have cancer. I know that makes no sense, but I'm a girl, so deal with it.

I cry in gratitude when people do nice things for me.

I cry when I get packages or gifts that are so heartfelt and perfect that I can't even believe it.

I cry when I get encouraging emails from David that quote movies - because he just gets what I need. Even when it's a Newsies quote that involves cuss words. That's right - I make missionaries swear. This is why I have cancer.

I cry when friends call me just because or text me uplifting quotes.

I cry when my students offer to push me around the room on my rolly chair on the days when it hurts to walk.

I cry when I read my scriptures and realize that God has a plan for me and that cancer is just a little part in that plan.

I cry when I accidentally spend two hours watching YouTube videos of soldiers coming home or people serving people or the underdog winning a competition. Seriously, watch THIS VIDEO now. It gets me every. freaking. time. Go. Watch it. I have cancer and I want you to watch it so that means you have to watch it. **Notice the wonderful use of the cancer card right there. Crushed it.**

Anyway, this has been a brief glimpse into the emotional mess that is Tina Moore. I really, truly, 100% am still loving life and dealing with everything like a boss. 96.4% of the time.

Peacing Out, Y'all!

I'M SO EXCITED.
I'm more excited than a seventh grader when they figure out their locker.
That's prettttttttty excited, for all you weirdos who don't spend your days in the middle school.

TOMORROW IS SPRING BREAK.

This is big. Huge. Gigantic.

I'm going to LOGAN!

...I know. You thought I was going somewhere tropical or foreign or exotic. But this is better.

I am feeling better, finally over the worst of my third chemo (1/4 of the way done with treatment!)

This treatment was better with the nausea but worse with the tiredness, so kind of a win-lose. But it's pretty much over now! I'm still super tired, but welcome to chemo life.

I'm SO EXCITED to go to Logan because I get to spend time with some of the best people in the entire world, I get to stay in a hotel, I'm going to drag Becky to Texas Roadhouse, and mostly I just get to be in Cache Valley. I love love love the city of Logan and I love love love my besties, so this is going to be good.

That's all. No major cancer news. I think that's why I'm so excited - this trip has nothing to do with cancer and everything to do with me being happy. And that's freaking awesome.

When to Talk and When to Shut Up.

I don't mean to be harsh, but there are some things you just should and should not say to someone who has cancer.

It's OKAY to say you're sorry. It shows that you care and recognize that this is hard.

It's NOT OKAY to refer to my cancer as a spiritual journey. I know that might be how you see it, but when someone tells me I'm on a spiritual journey, it makes me feel like my cancer was given to me because I wasn't good enough without it.

It's OKAY to ask about how things are going. I'm open to talking about my experiences - it's just life.

It's NOT OKAY to tell a huge, long story about your uncle's cousin's brother's mother-in-law twice removed who battled cancer and died a terrible death. Like, really, how is that possibly going to make me feel better?!?

It's OKAY to talk about or ask about my specific kind of cancer. There are a bajillion different kinds of cancer, all with different stages and treatments, and it's totally fine to have questions about my diagnosis.

It's NOT OKAY to say "You look good, you must feel good!" ...Or I spent two hours in front of the mirror perfecting my make up to hide the bags under my eyes and the tear lines and the signs of feeling awful. Just because I feel gross doesn't mean I want to look gross.

It's OKAY to say you support/love/care about me. Obviously. This is always okay! I love love!

It's NOT OKAY to say you know what I'm going through because one time you had your tonsils removed. I get that we all have our trials, and I know you are trying to help, but you just don't know. Cancer is different, and my cancer is different from thyroid cancer or breast cancer or your cousin's lymphoma. It's just so different.

It's OKAY to share scriptures or uplifting thoughts. I LOVE when I get texts or messages that are just upliftings quotes. I can never get enough happy thoughts!

It's NOT OKAY to ask how much time I have left to live. Believe it or not, this has happened. This is like asking a woman if she is pregnant. Just don't do it. I'm not dying, and if I were and wanted you to know, you'd know.

It's OKAY to not know what to say. Cancer is hard and unexpected, and I don't expect you to know what to say because a lot of times I don't even know what to say.

It's NOT OKAY to tell me "It's just hair, it'll grow back," or "At least it will be over in six months." No, it's not just hair, and it's not just six months. It's a part of me and a part of my life I'll never get back in the same way. Please don't minimize that pain.

It's OKAY to cry. Trust me, I'm the master.

It's OKAY to say any of these things. I know that cancer isn't something we're all prepared to deal with, and I know that even when people say these things that are painful and kind of rough to hear, their intentions are pure and they are trying to help. So don't try to censor yourself around me or treat me like I'm about to break into a million pieces, because let's get real, I already have cancer, so whatever you say isn't gonna make it worse. :)

Being a baldy

My hair is falling out. It's okay to talk about.

I don't have leg hair anymore, and my eyelashes have started falling out this week. My hair on my head has been "gone" since we shaved it at the end of February, but it's finally actually falling out. Losing my hair was the thing I was most scared of when I was diagnosed, but mostly it hasn't been that bad! There have been some things I wasn't expecting and my hours of Pinteresting and blog-stalking didn't prepare me for, though.

THINGS I EXPECTED:

1. I expected to cry when I shaved my hair. I thought I would feel an overwhelming sense of losing my femininity and beauty - like I was losing a major part of me.

2. I expected people to be shocked when they saw me without hair.

3. I expected to cry every time I looked in the mirror.

4. I expected to feel broken and a little lost.

5. I expected to wear bright wigs all the time.

6. I expected my hair to fall out right after my second treatment.

THINGS THAT SURPRISED ME:

1. I didn't cry when my head was shaved. I laughed a lot and I didn't really feel a sense of loss. I was surprised at how beautiful I felt without my hair.

2. People aren't really shocked when they see me, and if they are, they seem shocked that I don't look awful without hair!

3. You know that thing where people think they feel their phone vibrating in their pocket, but it really isn't? That's how it is for me having no hair. I have these phantom hair moments! I'll pull a hoodie on and reach up to pull my hair out of the sweater, or I will reach up to run my fingers through my hair when I'm nervous. I run my hand over my face when I'm sleeping to brush my bangs out of my eyes. I reach back to adjust my pony tail and just find my hat. I wake up in the mornings and grab by brush to untangle my hair. I guess when these things have been part of my life for 24 years, it's only natural to have a hard time breaking out of the habits.

4. I haven't bought a wig yet. I can't bring myself to do it. I know which wigs I want, and they are freaking sexy, but every time I go to buy them, I feel sick. I'm just not ready for that yet.

5. My hair isn't gone yet! It's definitely thinning out, and I see it on my hands as I wash my head or as I towel off after the shower, but it's not all gone.

6. I HATE going to the grocery store. I know that seems random, but it's not. At school, at home, or at church, I'm fine with people noticing that my hair is gone. I just hate going out in public and having people look at me (especially if I'm not wearing my hat) and give me the pity look. I HATE having my trial on display for people who don't know me to see. It's something that I can't hide. Unless I buck up and buy a wig...

7. Sometimes hats are overrated! I bought some cute fabric from Joann's and I just wrap it around my head sometimes, and it looks just as cute as the $30 hats they sell, plus it's cheaper! SCORE!

Overall, even though it terrified me, hair loss hasn't been the scary thing I expected. I do miss my hair a lot, and I mourn for its loss because it was part of who I am, but it isn't as large a part of me as I thought it was. I'm still me, just a little less high maintenance! Now excuse me as I figure out what hat to wear tomorrow.

The good and the bad.

Cancer is awesome! Cancer is the worst. 

This will be over so soon! This is never going to end. 

Cancer isn't that bad! Cancer definitely sucks. 

I'm glad this is happening to me and not someone else! Why did it have to be me? 

Cancer could be worse! Cancer couldn't be worse. 

Cancer is totally fine! Cancer is totally lame. 

Cancer's got nothing on me! Cancer's 100% kicking my butt. 

Cancer has taught me so much! I could've learned this another way, God. 

I got this! I hate this. 

This has been a tiny peek into my thoughts about cancer so far. As you can tell, it's a roller coaster. When people ask about my experience with lymphoma so far, I tell them it's better and worse than I expected. So without further ado, here are the goods and bads of my stage 3 Hodgkin's Lymphoma thus far.

Good:
People I haven't connected with in a while go out of their way to show me support, love, and kindness. It's insane how many people have come out of nowhere and given me their time, thoughtful gifts, and their beautiful, supportive words. The kind words of people around me are like little boosts of energy for me.

Bad:
I get really overwhelmed with the amount of messages, texts, posts, and calls I'm receiving, and it makes me feel extremely ungrateful. There are time I just turn off my phone and avoid social media or any other outlet that would force me to talk to people, because I just need some Tina time. I feel bad that I haven't responded to many people and that it sometimes takes me a while to reply, but I desperately need times when I don't have to be on point. SO if I haven't replied to your super kind messages through text or Facebook or other means, please don't feel like I don't appreciate it. I do.

Good:
I have weeks between treatments when I feel really good. The first week after chemo is rough, but the second week I've felt pretty good and almost normal! It gives me time to remember my favorite things about my life and why I'm fighting. I get to spend quality time with my students, friends, and return to my self.

Bad:
It's hard to enjoy the good weeks when I know that the good days end on Friday and I'll be sick again. Have you ever marked the days you're going to feel awful on your calendar? Have you ever planned your life around the weekends/weeks that you know are going to be a constant battle? It's a uniquely hard experience to try to savor the happy, feel good moments when you know they have an expiration date.

Good:
Getting ready is the easiest! It's freaking awesome! No shaving my legs - not because I'm gross and turning into a cavewoman - but because the hair has stopped growing! I don't have to style my hair because it's either gone or super short, which cuts like an hour off of my morning routine! I just have to get up, shower, put my face on, and then head out to work. THE BEST.

Bad:
I don't have any hair. That alone could be a whole blog post. *lightbulb* That will be my next post! Also it is difficult to find a hat that matches every outfit! Plus sometimes if I don't wear a hat and I don't have makeup on, I look kind of like a man, which isn't something I love. Even though getting ready in the mornings is easier, I don't feel like I'm totally complete without having my hair done and beautiful. It'll come back eventually.

Good:
I have to depend on God and others a lot. It's extremely humbling. I've had so many moments already that are among the most sacred of my life. It's a true statement that when God brings us down, it is so that we can reach up and feel His hands raising us up. I know that not everyone who reads this blog believes in the same things I do, but I can honestly say for myself that I know God is there. I have felt the hands of my loved ones who have passed on helping me get out of bed or holding me up as I teach on my worst days. I have felt their presence as I have prayed to not have to face this challenge alone. I know that families are forever.

Bad:
*ahem* I am not the most humble person when it comes to asking for help. Shocker! It's been hard for me to admit when I need help or when I just don't have energy for things. I'm learning and I'm getting better. I think.

Phew! That's enough of that for now. I'm sure I'll add to the list as I think about it, but this girl can only handle so much emotion at one time. ;)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know, I know.
"Tina, you haven't updated your blog in forever!"
"Tina, how am I supposed to know how you are doing?!?"
"Tina, is your blog not working on my phone or have you really not updated it?"

...Whoops. My bad.

Here's an update! The last time I posted I wasn't feeling well at all. My second round of chemo made me a lot more nauseous than the first, and I wasn't expecting that, so it threw me off a little. Really unexpected things made me really sick. Like when my wonderful sister makes Zuppa Toscana soup, which I usually love, and I wake up from my nap and I have to breathe through a towel for the rest of the night so that I don't *ahem* lose my cookies *ahem*. Also, I don't think I'll ever eat ice cream again. Which to some of my friends sounds worse than having cancer...

I felt better at the end of last week, and this week was good. I had a super bad day on Thursday - the worst day I've had yet - and it didn't have much to do with cancer. It was just a no good, terrible, very bad day. But it was mom's birthday!!! I got to come to Provo and celebrate the best lady in the whole universe, so that was an upside.

Friday was the dreaded day of chemo #3. I've started getting a little nervous before my chemo treatment, and I think it's just because my body knows what's coming. A coworker asked me on Friday if I was nervous, and usually I respond with positive thoughts (I know, I know, who knew I was an optimist?!?) but I just squeaked out "I hate it." I hate chemo. And I think that's okay. It's okay to recognize that this isn't fun. It's not all sunshine, but honestly, it hasn't been as bad as I expected.

I had my chemo yesterday, and my white blood cells are super crazy low, so I have to be carazy careful about infection, sickness, and fever. So I love you, but if you are sick, take your junk and get away from me. Thanks, pal. ;)

Yesterday I slept through most of chemo, and they prescribed me some new drugs to help with the nausea. I left feeling better than the first two rounds. I didn't feel as heavy and as weighed down by the chemo drugs. I felt okay last night and I got to go see Ryan's play. It was so fun, except the songs have been stuck in my head all day. "Right before your EYYEESSSS." So thanks for that, Ryan. He rocked it.

Today I feel okay. I'm quite tired, but I got to go to mom's birthday brunch with the neighbors and help a little in the yard before I crashed on the couch for hours. Now I get to watch the cultural celebration for the Provo City Center Temple! I can't think of a better time in my life for a reminder that beauty comes from ashes.

Lymphoma Loss #1

GREAT NEWS! I feel terrible. I'm tired and nauseous and just generally feeling icky. Apparently that's what can happen when you have cancer all throughout your body and you get pumped full of poison for fun. Who knew?!

My second round of chemo was Friday, and the weekend wasn't too bad. I slept a lot. I can feel my super-fun-burning-mouth-symptoms coming back, so I'm hoping to minimize the discomfort by treating it now instead of waiting until it's awful. So that's a perk: I kind of know what to expect, so I can try to minimize the awfulness. That sounds sarcastic but it's actually a real life perk.

Here's why I titled this post "Lymphoma Loss #1." Today, I ROCKED IT. I woke up and I was grumpy because mornings are really really hard for me. I wish I could 100% blame that on the cancer but let's be real - mornings are just the worst! If I could just stay in bed all day every day...I would be 500 pounds but also I would be super happy. Pros and cons, people. Pros and cons.

Anyway. I woke up grumpy and got mad at Michelle because she asked if I was going to work. I got mad because I hadn't decided yet. I felt really icky, but I know myself pretty darn well, and I knew that if I missed a Monday it would be extra hard to go back on Tuesday. I needed to remind myself that I actually like middle schoolers, and I actually like my job, and I would actually like to not be a bum all day every single day. So I got up and I put on my comfiest pencil skirt and I walked out the door, the whole time second guessing myself.

BUT GUESS WHAT. I did it. I made it through school today.
Was I the best teacher in the freaking universe today? No.
Did I have to give myself multiple pep talks to make it through the day? Yes.
Did I bounce around the classroom and laugh at their silly jokes? No.
Did I spend time in the faculty room socializing? No.
Did it get to the point that I was counting down the minutes left in each period? Yes.

BUT did I greet every student by name as they walked in my classroom? Yes.
Did they accomplish a task that was related to English? Yes.
Did they finish their research projects? Yes.
Did I smile when they smiled at me? Yes.
Did I provide a safe, happy environment for 150 kids? Yes.
Did I help a student who walked in crying leave with a smile? Yes.

DID I MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY? YES.

And THAT is why lymphoma lost today. Lymphoma doesn't get to control when I work or what I do with my time. I came to school and rocked it because I wanted to, not because I felt up to it. I didn't feel up to it at all, and that's what makes today's victory so sweet. I am in control of myself and how I respond to my lymphoma.

Am I probably going to take the day off tomorrow and sleep for 20 hours? Yes. But it's my choice and I didn't miss a Monday.

David David David

I MISS DAVID.

I miss being too loud in the basement at bedtime and giggling when mom would stomp on the floor to tell us to shut up.

I miss him running outside to hug me when I pulled up in front of the house.

I miss hearing him yell "TINAAAAAAA" when I walked in the door.

I miss constantly texting movie quotes to each other.

I miss late night conversations that start out as jokes and turn into deep discussions.

I miss using code names to carry out secret missions like stealing cinnamon rolls from the hotel's continental breakfast.

I miss his anaconda SQUEEEEEEEEZE hugs.

I miss going to get shave ice and crying together.

I miss waking up to him jumping on my bed.

I miss his desperate English-related phone calls.

I miss going outside and playing games and laughing because I'm so bad at all of them.

I miss thinking something slightly inappropriate during family meetings and looking over at David and making wide eyes because we were both thinking the same thing.

I miss pretending I understood his football talk.

I miss cuddling on the couch.

I miss dance parties in the living room. And the driveway. And the hallway. And the grocery store. And the car. And the park. And the pool. And Disneyland.

I miss making stupid jokes and pointing at each other and going "HAAAAAA"

I miss blasting music in the car.

I miss talking to him about everything.

I miss having someone to cry with about anything.

I miss the moment after we cried when we just looked at each other and said "okay" and got up and knew that everything really would be okay now.

I MISS DAVID.

But I know he's where he should be. I can't survive a single day without the gospel, and he is the angel that's bringing that light to the people of South Africa.

Only 17 months to go.

What a wonderful world!

Listen up! Sometimes the world is the worst place! Like seriously, turn on the news. It's all people getting shot, buildings burning down, wars, and Donald Trump. *shudder*

It's super easy to get caught up in how hard things are. Sometimes the smog is so thick you can't see the sun at all and you start to wonder if it's still there. (That's halfway hypothetical and halfway a criticism of Salt Lake's air quality.)

A few weeks ago, Michelle and I were in Provo. The inversion had been so bad for like a week that you could barely see the other side of the freeway, which is super beyond gross. Because of traffic issues on I-15, we decided to drive back to our apartment through Park City, and I'm so glad we did. As we left the city, the air started to clear and eventually the sky was bright blue! I could see the sun! More importantly, I could see what was really around me and it was beautiful. The mountains and the homes and the clouds were so peaceful. It reinvigorated me and even as we drove back into the wall of brown air surrounding Salt Lake, I knew I could deal with it because I had seen the sun and had renewed strength from it.

On Wednesday, Farrari and I went to the Salt Lake Temple. Life had been hard since my first chemo treatment with navigating the side effects and feeling tired all of the time. I was feeling discouraged and surrounded by the hardships I have ahead. As we walked into the temple, it was like the fog around me was lifted. I looked at the paintings of Christ and it was like looking at the bright sunshine. Listening to the words of the session and reminding myself of the covenants I've made put everything into perspective. For the first time in a little while, I could see clearly my situation. Yes, cancer is hard. Yes, I'm scared about what is coming. But that doesn't even matter, because as I focused on Christ it was like focusing on the sun. By His light, I saw what is really around me and remembered that life is beautiful. The promises of the gospel are hopeful and never ending. As we left the temple and drove into the crummy world around us, it was like descending from the canyon into the dark smog. But my resolve and my faith were strengthened as I left carrying a portion of Christ's light with me to fight the darkness.

Life is so good! People are so good. I don't mean that people are nice. People are GOOD. Everyone is good inside. I firmly believe that. I have seen glimpses of this good side of humanity as people have learned about my cancer. My school is having a fundraiser for the American Cancer Association in my behalf in May. A coworker paid for me to go to an expensive restaurant with the other teachers and students -  I wasn't going to go because of the price. I've received numerous packages and letters and messages from people who are GOOD and want to help. Every time one of us follows through on that GOOD side of us, the light of Christ increases and the worldly darkness starts to fade a little more. I'm so inspired by the GOOD people around me.

No hair don't care

Saturday, Feb. 27 was the day I had chosen to get rid of my hair. Throughout the week, I was constantly stressed about my hair. It was changing texture - from voluminous and thick to thin and lifeless. Every single time I ran my fingers through my hair, or brushed it, or took a shower, I was overcome with fear that that would be the moment when I lost my hair. All of the joy of styling and playing with my hair was gone and replaced by fear and stress. I just couldn't deal with it, and as I noticed my hair thinning out, I made the decision to take control and rid myself of the trauma.

This picture shows how torn I was between loving my hair
and the stress it brought me every time I looked in the mirror.

Lucky for me, one of my best friends is a phenomenal hair stylist. Shalee came up on Saturday and we got to work! I expected to be crazy traumatized by losing my hair, but honestly I just felt relief. We cut it slowly and tried out a few different hairstyles. Mohawks/Justin Beiber looks are in right now, I'm pretty sure. It was pretty great because I felt fine about everything, but everyone else was a little teary. *cough cough* mom *cough cough*

Before! Ignore how exhausted I look. Birthday hangover...

Mohawk. Crushed it!

Channeling my inner Justin Beiber. Baby, baby, oh!

In all seriousness, it was so amazing to have mom, Michelle, and Shalee there to support me, but most important to me was that Cassie was there. Cass came down from Logan Friday night for my party and then stayed overnight with me. Saturday morning we just got to chill. We went shopping, got lunch, and had a good time because everything's a good time with Cassie! I am so beyond grateful that she was there for me on Saturday. Cassie has been my best friend for practically forever and there are moments when I don't think anyone could make me feel better except for her. This was one of those times. Losing my hair was kind of the cement that solidified what I'm going through, and I needed Cass there to remind me that life is still good and that the people who are most important to me will still be there when I need them. Through this whole thing, she has been beyond amazing and she's one of the only people I feel comfortable just crying with over the phone or just laughing with even though everything is definitely not ideal. I JUST LOVE THAT GIRL, OKAY?!? And her husband is studly enough to share her with me sometimes. Score!

Spoiler alert: Bald heads are super ticklish! When I went to rinse off in the shower I couldn't stop laughing! What is that about. It does make showering more exciting and ensures I get a good laugh every day, though, so no complaints. Plus I'm rocking the whole hat situation. Booyah!

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

The 26th was my 24th birthday. Normally I am the QUEEN of birthdays. I love love love them. I love celebrating people and life and happiness. This year felt different because I'm going through such hard things that it felt a little silly to be celebrating life while fighting death. I just couldn't get excited about it. My friends and family were all coming up Friday night for a big celebration, and I was just hoping I could make it through the day so I didn't sleep through the party. Thursday night, I prayed and asked the Lord to let me enjoy my birthday even though I didn't feel like it. I went to bed Thursday night feeling so anxious about the next day that I ended up taking an anti-anxiety pill so I could sleep.

From the moment I woke up Friday, I was surrounded and overwhelmed by love. I woke up to birthday texts and phone calls, including some very off key but on point versions of "happy birthday." Michelle decorated our hallway with falling stars and bought me a big stuffed puppy because she's still not budging on the whole "Tina needs a puppy to help with her healing" argument. I had a hard time getting up and getting ready because I just didn't want to, but once I did I was okay. I had to stop at the store before work. While I was wandering around the Walmart, my favorite song played through the store. This seems so little, but it's an obscure song: Lullaby by Shawn Mullins. It NEVER plays! It was a little love note from heaven for me and I felt worlds better.

When I got to school, my students shocked me with so many thoughtful and wonderful gifts and cards and notes. I was overwhelmed. Two of my students bought me a build-a-bear wearing Broncos gear, and they put a beating heart inside of it to remind me to always keep fighting. Cue the tears. These middle schoolers are so wonderful beyond their age. It just keeps surprising me over and over, and I love it. School all day was one of those perfect days you dream about as a teacher. All of my students were perfectly behaved and they participated in my favorite writing activities like champs! After school we had faculty meeting and I got to share a book talk and then talk about my lymphoma for a few minutes. It feels good to just have the news out there and now everyone at work knows.

Michelle and I went over to Brenda's to get ready for the party. We met mom and dad there, and mom made the most perfect Peter Pan/Stitch/Paris cake to represent my favorite things. We had tons of food and treats. So many people I absolutely adore came and spent time with me. It was amazing! I got to catch up with friends I hadn't seen in a while, laugh and have fun with friends I see all the time, and enjoy great conversations with the people I love most. After I made a wish on my cake, I told everyone at the party that I've been looking for my "happy place" that I can focus on when I am having a hard time, and in that moment, I realized that I was in my happy place. For me, the best place is where I am surrounded by the unbelievably wonderful people I get to call my family and friends. I'm blessed beyond belief because I have the strongest, happiest, most thoughtful people around me.

The night of the party we stayed up entirely too late but it was worth it. By the time I went to bed, I had enjoyed a wonderful birthday. Take that, lymphoma. I can party with the best of them no matter how much cancer is inside me.