Lymphoma Loss #1

GREAT NEWS! I feel terrible. I'm tired and nauseous and just generally feeling icky. Apparently that's what can happen when you have cancer all throughout your body and you get pumped full of poison for fun. Who knew?!

My second round of chemo was Friday, and the weekend wasn't too bad. I slept a lot. I can feel my super-fun-burning-mouth-symptoms coming back, so I'm hoping to minimize the discomfort by treating it now instead of waiting until it's awful. So that's a perk: I kind of know what to expect, so I can try to minimize the awfulness. That sounds sarcastic but it's actually a real life perk.

Here's why I titled this post "Lymphoma Loss #1." Today, I ROCKED IT. I woke up and I was grumpy because mornings are really really hard for me. I wish I could 100% blame that on the cancer but let's be real - mornings are just the worst! If I could just stay in bed all day every day...I would be 500 pounds but also I would be super happy. Pros and cons, people. Pros and cons.

Anyway. I woke up grumpy and got mad at Michelle because she asked if I was going to work. I got mad because I hadn't decided yet. I felt really icky, but I know myself pretty darn well, and I knew that if I missed a Monday it would be extra hard to go back on Tuesday. I needed to remind myself that I actually like middle schoolers, and I actually like my job, and I would actually like to not be a bum all day every single day. So I got up and I put on my comfiest pencil skirt and I walked out the door, the whole time second guessing myself.

BUT GUESS WHAT. I did it. I made it through school today.
Was I the best teacher in the freaking universe today? No.
Did I have to give myself multiple pep talks to make it through the day? Yes.
Did I bounce around the classroom and laugh at their silly jokes? No.
Did I spend time in the faculty room socializing? No.
Did it get to the point that I was counting down the minutes left in each period? Yes.

BUT did I greet every student by name as they walked in my classroom? Yes.
Did they accomplish a task that was related to English? Yes.
Did they finish their research projects? Yes.
Did I smile when they smiled at me? Yes.
Did I provide a safe, happy environment for 150 kids? Yes.
Did I help a student who walked in crying leave with a smile? Yes.

DID I MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY? YES.

And THAT is why lymphoma lost today. Lymphoma doesn't get to control when I work or what I do with my time. I came to school and rocked it because I wanted to, not because I felt up to it. I didn't feel up to it at all, and that's what makes today's victory so sweet. I am in control of myself and how I respond to my lymphoma.

Am I probably going to take the day off tomorrow and sleep for 20 hours? Yes. But it's my choice and I didn't miss a Monday.