Being a baldy

My hair is falling out. It's okay to talk about.

I don't have leg hair anymore, and my eyelashes have started falling out this week. My hair on my head has been "gone" since we shaved it at the end of February, but it's finally actually falling out. Losing my hair was the thing I was most scared of when I was diagnosed, but mostly it hasn't been that bad! There have been some things I wasn't expecting and my hours of Pinteresting and blog-stalking didn't prepare me for, though.

THINGS I EXPECTED:

1. I expected to cry when I shaved my hair. I thought I would feel an overwhelming sense of losing my femininity and beauty - like I was losing a major part of me.

2. I expected people to be shocked when they saw me without hair.

3. I expected to cry every time I looked in the mirror.

4. I expected to feel broken and a little lost.

5. I expected to wear bright wigs all the time.

6. I expected my hair to fall out right after my second treatment.

THINGS THAT SURPRISED ME:

1. I didn't cry when my head was shaved. I laughed a lot and I didn't really feel a sense of loss. I was surprised at how beautiful I felt without my hair.

2. People aren't really shocked when they see me, and if they are, they seem shocked that I don't look awful without hair!

3. You know that thing where people think they feel their phone vibrating in their pocket, but it really isn't? That's how it is for me having no hair. I have these phantom hair moments! I'll pull a hoodie on and reach up to pull my hair out of the sweater, or I will reach up to run my fingers through my hair when I'm nervous. I run my hand over my face when I'm sleeping to brush my bangs out of my eyes. I reach back to adjust my pony tail and just find my hat. I wake up in the mornings and grab by brush to untangle my hair. I guess when these things have been part of my life for 24 years, it's only natural to have a hard time breaking out of the habits.

4. I haven't bought a wig yet. I can't bring myself to do it. I know which wigs I want, and they are freaking sexy, but every time I go to buy them, I feel sick. I'm just not ready for that yet.

5. My hair isn't gone yet! It's definitely thinning out, and I see it on my hands as I wash my head or as I towel off after the shower, but it's not all gone.

6. I HATE going to the grocery store. I know that seems random, but it's not. At school, at home, or at church, I'm fine with people noticing that my hair is gone. I just hate going out in public and having people look at me (especially if I'm not wearing my hat) and give me the pity look. I HATE having my trial on display for people who don't know me to see. It's something that I can't hide. Unless I buck up and buy a wig...

7. Sometimes hats are overrated! I bought some cute fabric from Joann's and I just wrap it around my head sometimes, and it looks just as cute as the $30 hats they sell, plus it's cheaper! SCORE!

Overall, even though it terrified me, hair loss hasn't been the scary thing I expected. I do miss my hair a lot, and I mourn for its loss because it was part of who I am, but it isn't as large a part of me as I thought it was. I'm still me, just a little less high maintenance! Now excuse me as I figure out what hat to wear tomorrow.