The good and the bad.

Cancer is awesome! Cancer is the worst. 

This will be over so soon! This is never going to end. 

Cancer isn't that bad! Cancer definitely sucks. 

I'm glad this is happening to me and not someone else! Why did it have to be me? 

Cancer could be worse! Cancer couldn't be worse. 

Cancer is totally fine! Cancer is totally lame. 

Cancer's got nothing on me! Cancer's 100% kicking my butt. 

Cancer has taught me so much! I could've learned this another way, God. 

I got this! I hate this. 

This has been a tiny peek into my thoughts about cancer so far. As you can tell, it's a roller coaster. When people ask about my experience with lymphoma so far, I tell them it's better and worse than I expected. So without further ado, here are the goods and bads of my stage 3 Hodgkin's Lymphoma thus far.

Good:
People I haven't connected with in a while go out of their way to show me support, love, and kindness. It's insane how many people have come out of nowhere and given me their time, thoughtful gifts, and their beautiful, supportive words. The kind words of people around me are like little boosts of energy for me.

Bad:
I get really overwhelmed with the amount of messages, texts, posts, and calls I'm receiving, and it makes me feel extremely ungrateful. There are time I just turn off my phone and avoid social media or any other outlet that would force me to talk to people, because I just need some Tina time. I feel bad that I haven't responded to many people and that it sometimes takes me a while to reply, but I desperately need times when I don't have to be on point. SO if I haven't replied to your super kind messages through text or Facebook or other means, please don't feel like I don't appreciate it. I do.

Good:
I have weeks between treatments when I feel really good. The first week after chemo is rough, but the second week I've felt pretty good and almost normal! It gives me time to remember my favorite things about my life and why I'm fighting. I get to spend quality time with my students, friends, and return to my self.

Bad:
It's hard to enjoy the good weeks when I know that the good days end on Friday and I'll be sick again. Have you ever marked the days you're going to feel awful on your calendar? Have you ever planned your life around the weekends/weeks that you know are going to be a constant battle? It's a uniquely hard experience to try to savor the happy, feel good moments when you know they have an expiration date.

Good:
Getting ready is the easiest! It's freaking awesome! No shaving my legs - not because I'm gross and turning into a cavewoman - but because the hair has stopped growing! I don't have to style my hair because it's either gone or super short, which cuts like an hour off of my morning routine! I just have to get up, shower, put my face on, and then head out to work. THE BEST.

Bad:
I don't have any hair. That alone could be a whole blog post. *lightbulb* That will be my next post! Also it is difficult to find a hat that matches every outfit! Plus sometimes if I don't wear a hat and I don't have makeup on, I look kind of like a man, which isn't something I love. Even though getting ready in the mornings is easier, I don't feel like I'm totally complete without having my hair done and beautiful. It'll come back eventually.

Good:
I have to depend on God and others a lot. It's extremely humbling. I've had so many moments already that are among the most sacred of my life. It's a true statement that when God brings us down, it is so that we can reach up and feel His hands raising us up. I know that not everyone who reads this blog believes in the same things I do, but I can honestly say for myself that I know God is there. I have felt the hands of my loved ones who have passed on helping me get out of bed or holding me up as I teach on my worst days. I have felt their presence as I have prayed to not have to face this challenge alone. I know that families are forever.

Bad:
*ahem* I am not the most humble person when it comes to asking for help. Shocker! It's been hard for me to admit when I need help or when I just don't have energy for things. I'm learning and I'm getting better. I think.

Phew! That's enough of that for now. I'm sure I'll add to the list as I think about it, but this girl can only handle so much emotion at one time. ;)