I don't mean to be harsh, but there are some things you just should and should not say to someone who has cancer.
It's OKAY to say you're sorry. It shows that you care and recognize that this is hard.
It's NOT OKAY to refer to my cancer as a spiritual journey. I know that might be how you see it, but when someone tells me I'm on a spiritual journey, it makes me feel like my cancer was given to me because I wasn't good enough without it.
It's OKAY to ask about how things are going. I'm open to talking about my experiences - it's just life.
It's NOT OKAY to tell a huge, long story about your uncle's cousin's brother's mother-in-law twice removed who battled cancer and died a terrible death. Like, really, how is that possibly going to make me feel better?!?
It's OKAY to talk about or ask about my specific kind of cancer. There are a bajillion different kinds of cancer, all with different stages and treatments, and it's totally fine to have questions about my diagnosis.
It's NOT OKAY to say "You look good, you must feel good!" ...Or I spent two hours in front of the mirror perfecting my make up to hide the bags under my eyes and the tear lines and the signs of feeling awful. Just because I feel gross doesn't mean I want to look gross.
It's OKAY to say you support/love/care about me. Obviously. This is always okay! I love love!
It's NOT OKAY to say you know what I'm going through because one time you had your tonsils removed. I get that we all have our trials, and I know you are trying to help, but you just don't know. Cancer is different, and my cancer is different from thyroid cancer or breast cancer or your cousin's lymphoma. It's just so different.
It's OKAY to share scriptures or uplifting thoughts. I LOVE when I get texts or messages that are just upliftings quotes. I can never get enough happy thoughts!
It's NOT OKAY to ask how much time I have left to live. Believe it or not, this has happened. This is like asking a woman if she is pregnant. Just don't do it. I'm not dying, and if I were and wanted you to know, you'd know.
It's OKAY to not know what to say. Cancer is hard and unexpected, and I don't expect you to know what to say because a lot of times I don't even know what to say.
It's NOT OKAY to tell me "It's just hair, it'll grow back," or "At least it will be over in six months." No, it's not just hair, and it's not just six months. It's a part of me and a part of my life I'll never get back in the same way. Please don't minimize that pain.
It's OKAY to cry. Trust me, I'm the master.
It's OKAY to say any of these things. I know that cancer isn't something we're all prepared to deal with, and I know that even when people say these things that are painful and kind of rough to hear, their intentions are pure and they are trying to help. So don't try to censor yourself around me or treat me like I'm about to break into a million pieces, because let's get real, I already have cancer, so whatever you say isn't gonna make it worse. :)
Kristina,
ReplyDeleteYou are certainly one of the most strong and courageous people I've ever known. You have such a positive attitude and thank you so much for sharing your beautiful story. With all of that being said, I would like to share a quote or two with you, to lift your spirits:
"When you cannot do what you have always done, then you only do what matters most."
"The best measure of true greatness is how Christlike we are."
When I had my brain surgery I had a lot of comments that made me want to ask if I heard them wrong just so they could say something different instead. What I learned is people are still people even if you are dealing with some huge life change, and most of the time they just can't think of anything better to say so they end up saying something ridiculous. When I was still in the hospital recovering from the back of my head being cut open and all my spinal fluid being drained I had someone text me that they had a headache because they slept on their pillow wrong that night. I wanted to scream "I can't stand up or I have a 98% chance of collapsing on my face because I have no equilibrium!!!" but later on I started realizing they just want to connect somehow. Annoying? yes... Intentional? Hopefully not.
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